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Friday, 3 October 2014

POLYHAX - Major Content Closure

Don't get too hung up on the title because it's important to read what I'm about to say...

How long has it been? It's the 8th of October as I write this. A entire month has gone by since the last update and I've been so out of touch with this site and my channel that I thought I'd end up abandoning it all with little notification. Did I expect to be in a situation like this so soon? This was all deliberate for the very reason that my education/life comes galaxies before else as I've said countless times before; but it's bigger this time.

I've been so occupied that I can hardly gather my own thoughts together and my own thoughts, plans about all else have been fading away. My mind feels like heavy bricks, I can't even remember what I was thinking about a month ago. It's going quickly but at the same time, so much has happened that the summer feels a whole year ago.

I have had such bare spare time that I could hardly tweet about how it was all going. I expected it to be rigorous, but not to the point of insanity where every bullet is firing at you. Because I missed two days and a whole weekend from going to a family wedding in Hungary, that was more than enough to create a dangerous snowball effect that has rendered me incredibly behind. 

Believe me and I've said this so many times it's countless. While it's not definite that it will continue like this after the probationary period, it's sad but crystal clear that POLYHAX will have to end or enter a long hiatus. 

That does not mean "No videos", it means "Little to no videos". I can't do countdowns/reviews anymore until perhaps one at Christmas or a stream and I can only just about do a stream or obvious facts video in the half term if I'm very lucky. But most importantly, I'd rather spend any bare time on my most relevant hobbies/ambitions such as my social network project: Peakner. So to keep my mind in a organised state it became a good idea to have one dedicated venture as opposed to several piles of unfinished mess

The POLYHAX channel and site are both in a bad mess from unfinished rebrandings. Such a task has become so beyond impossible now that I may as well withdraw right now. I studied extremely hard and I'm almost up to speed, but at the same time I felt depressed and stressed. I was having doubts. Do I really want to carry on like this? Do I want to drop out? Which was totally out of nature and went against all I had both worked and fought for. I was fed up. When two of my subject teachers suggested that I dropped the course, I gave them my ambition but at the same time I felt off put,

I envisioned my big dream again but at the same time dreaming beyond the work such work would take. I then realised that my actual issue was settling in, and when such a huge amount of pressure is dropped on you within the first few weeks I ended up feeling that my life had no meaning other than to do work. It was a big turn off. I felt like I was being thrown into the deep end.

I knew for definite that I would be totally making the wrong choice to drop out because there is no other pathway towards my dream other than a even longer and potentially more tedious one. It's then when I came to the philosophical conclusion that life really was just testing me to see if I could persist and prevail through obstruction, to challenge my determination. Even though I felt like crap during my two year GCSE period (2012-2014), I was still to apply time to fun regardless that I could barely post videos. But this time there is currently no time for any fun and hardly enough time to work. I gave up my entire weekend minus eating and sleeping to break down the work. The fact it's be dark, misty, rainy and gloomy hasn't helped either. I took a total break from my AS work for the second half of today in order to relax and refresh.

When there are hopefully more opportunities come for me to have spare time and have fun, I will repair and settle. I think the key is to just not dwell on my anxiety and focus on my determination; if time really does go quicker the busier and older you are then the whole experience won't be too much of a bumpy ride. If I look at this with the same outlook as my GCSE exams, then I can treat this more as another battle towards a great war. 

I'm making a lot of new friends and I've come to the conclusion that stressful work is the only thing that's causing me to overlook that. 

I know this isn't at all a POLYHAX update, but a vlog is a vlog I suppose. 

I could go into more detail but this is enough info to gather the summary point:

I will do all the work I need to do until I am able to relax and when I am able to relax, I will put work towards my ventures. I only have another week and it's half term. Once I finalise everything, I can do whatever the hell I want for a week I just must make sure I use it wisely/make progress. 

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